REAL STORIES

Age: 18
Gender: Female
Location: Colorado

I am sitting here right now at 2:02am, my boyfriend asleep, and me smoking the 4th- make that 6th bowl of the night. I don't know what made me click on the link to this page from myspace, I was just planning on checking my email. But when i got here, i started reading, and i was interested, not scared but interested. I was here once before and i thought this page was a load of crap, but now I feel as if i am every person in those commercials, and i am every word in all of those paragraphs explaining this drug. I always said that this whole site was an over exaggeration, but now i dont know for sure.... I dont even know why im writing this, and please bare with me im kinda spun so im going to skip around a lot while i tell you this. Today i started having really bad pains in my chest it wasn't the first time, but it was the worst it's been in a while..... Anyway the pains were so bad, i couldn't catch my breath and i almost passed out a few times feeling more light headed than normal. I was scared, and my first thought was, i can't wait to get home and smoke a bowl so this pain will go away. I have been to rehab twice. And i have relapsed more times then i can count. I even snuck a pipe and $70 worth of meth into my rehab facility, thank god i had a caring Substance abuse counselor who just talked to me and took my pipe that i had on me without telling the facility manager. if you ever happen to read this, thank you, and im sorry i let you down. I still had like 20 left that she didn't know about, and i went back to my room and snorted it. I felt no remorse at all. i know she was trying to help me and she watched me cry and beg for help, but deep down inside i knew i would never be able to, nor want to quit. I have been doing meth for 4 years, and i dont remember where the time has gone, and its even hard for me to remember most things that happened, unless i was high. There wasn't even a evil story behind me trying it, i mean yeah my mom was an alcoholic at the time, getting beat by my step father, but none of that made me say "Meth will fix my life" I knew it wasn't going to. I just wanted to know what the big deal was, what everyone was talking about. My friends that let me do it with them told me "I am going to warn you now its addictive, and i don't want you to get into this, but in the end its your decision and i won't stop you, but don't blame me when you get hooked". My response was exactly this " I am not going to get hooked, im only going to do it once." I'm still taking that one hit. The first time i tried it me and my buddies stayed up for days, i can't remember how many for sure they all ran together in the end. I remember after the first hit i was anxious to try it- kinda scared and exited all at once. I didn't inhale the first time and then they told me i didn't have to if i didn't want to, little did they know i wanted to know more than anything what it felt like to be spun. So It came back to me and Someone handed me the pipe and they lit it for me i can still remember the first taste, the smell, the look,the sound everything. That memory will never leave my mind, it still pushes all my other memories and thoughts out of the way to get to the front of the line so that i dont forget about it. It never wants to be alone in its own misery it would be no fun, it has to bring a helpless human soul with it. I was so spun after the first few bowls that all i wanted was more and i didnt care what i had to do to get it. I then took a ride with the dealer and i remember my friend telling me not to and to come with them back to the house, but for some reason i said "hes going to give me a ride to the house we will get there soon after you.

We didn't. Instead he drove out the middle of nowhere and tried to get in my pants. I kept telling him no that i was just going to smoke a bowl with him like he asked. Then he said like i was the stupidest girls alive, "how did you think you were going to pay for it, you didn't think i would just give it to you did you?" Then he grabbed my head and called me a tease. He forced me head down on him to give him a blow job. he told me if i bit down he would beat the hell out of me and leave me for dead... so while crying my eyes out i did what he said, little did he know i was still a virgin. after he let me stop, he said "here you little crack whore take a hit, like you wanted" So i sat there in the truck as he drove us back to my friends house smoking all that i could out of that pipe, so that maybe everything that just happened would somehow just go away. I still blame myself for that night, it was my decision and i should have know what the outcome would be. I have never told anyone that......It feels good getting it off my chest after holding it in for 4 years being scared of the judgment that was sure to come with it. Also that night after i went back to my friends house i started seeing things and hearing things i swear to this day they were real, even though everyone tells me that they saw nothing at all. Anyway Back to today. After those pains, i felt so sick almost like a real bad nasal headache mixed with the flue, and i tried really hard not to bring the pipe out. i sat on my couch arguing with meths voice in my mind tell it that i don't need it I'm fine without it. As long as i can make it through tonight I'll be fine. I remember it clearly, meths voice in my head, it said " you know i will never leave you, i will never release your throat from my grasp, I'm in control and don't you ever forget that again! I will not let you live with out me, now go get that pipe and that baggie, load me into it listen to that song you have created... sing to me, you know after that i will let relax and do what you need to as long as you promise that you will come back to me every few moments and sing to me again." I knew it was right, i knew it would make me feel better. And guess what.... it did. That was when i kinda got worried not for long, just for like a minute, wile i still had control of my thoughts right before crystal took hold of me, but in that minuet i thought to myself: Was that the beginning of a withdrawal? Was it a sound i was imagining, or was that voice real? Hell if i know, but i never want to find out, i dont think i could live through it. My boyfriend wants me to quit... one time i was sitting next to him enjoying his company as i always do when I'm with him, we don't even have to say anything him being near me always makes me smile from the inside out.- i don't know what I'd do without him, i swear he's an angel in disguise-then i thought to myself, why not bring the 2 things that make me the happiest together. i have no idea what i was thinking. so i asked him if he would mind if i smoke a bowl while we talked, of course he said he didn't mind, but i saw it in his eyes his facial excretions that him seeing me do that worried him. for the first time he actually saw how hard it was for me to put the pipe down even after i knew there was nothing left inside. after i was done, he said he had to go. I was so confused i decided to go outside for some air, and to clear my head. and here he comes walking back down the road, "come On" he said yelling at me from the road, I asked him where we were going and he said to the park to chill, that's when he asked me what was wrong (i know i had to look completely lost). i remember i was thinking how much i love him and how much i never want to let him go, and wandering to myself if it came down to it, would that be enough for crystal to leave me alone. Would it really keep dragging me down after finally found true happiness with someone? I know that answer now, she will never let me go i have to fight with everything in me and pray to god that i don't die trying to get away from its grasp. i told him nothing, as usual. "When are you going to quit?" he finally asked "Cold Turkey, no more at all?" I told him it wasn't that easy and he proceeded to asked me what would happen if we ended up having kids someday. What would happen?

I still dont know the answer to that question. I always said-back when i first started 4 years ago- that that would be the one thing that saved me and sobered me up for good! now i don't know if that even will. Its hard to think that conceiving a child and starting a family doesn't even compare to my want/need/craving for meth. I don't know who will read this, or if anyone will even know who is writing this- the details are all there. i just hope no one peices them together I need to break free from her on my own time by myself. I am going to conclude this now...its exactly 3:55am it took me 2 hours to write this down, and i hope more than anything that someone will read this and it will scare them enough not to try this drug even though i love the feeling it gives me, i know the hold that it has on me and more then anything i want to break free i just don't know when i will be strong enough to do that. I want anyone thinking about trying meth to think twice its not as glamorous as people make it out to me take it from an......an......Addict. You may think that you can stop any time at all and its only to try it, but its never that simple, once you let it in it holds tight, never wantin to let you go. If this story has scared one person enough to think twice then i'll be happy with that. I dont want anyone to see the world as i do, from one high to another just waiting for that one day that its voice will silence. It takes everything away, including the ones you never thought would leave. I have no idea what my boyfriend is going to say about me staying up all night again im sure he will catch on and the last thing i want to do is lose him, but i still cant bring myself to put the pipe down and go lay by him in my bed, although laying next to him is my one safe place the most peaceful place that i have ever been, and i think thats why when I'm high i can't bring myself to lay next to him, he is so perfect i could never compare myself to him unless i was sober. This drug is a part of me... i want nothing more than to have it set me free and let me forget all about it, the cravings the withdrawal all of it, but it has its hands around my neck and I'm to scared it would kill me if i tried to get free.

» Back to Real Stories